On The Warpath

Do you ever have those times in your life when you feel like everyone's against you? That you're nothing more than a huge annoyance in the lives of those you care about?

Sure you do. We all do.

It's one of those times for me right now, and I'm on the warpath. I'm ticked off and mad as hell and of course the people I'm upset with don't have time to deal with me so I guess I'll just rant and rave right here. And yes, I realize the first half of the previous sentence is redundant. I'm not one to air my dirty laundry in public, but lately I feel like I have no one to talk to, so cyperspace it is.

It started a week and a half ago with some snide remarks from someone I thought of as a friend. The remarks were made to a third party via e-mail, and the "friend" who made them inadvertently (?) forwarded them to me. Aware that I was in the throes of PMS and might be a little more sensitive than normal, I kept my reaction to myself. A few days later, she followed up with an "apology", saying she never intended for me to see what she'd said to her other friend (well, DUH), and that what she said may have sounded "sorta bad" ... ya think?!? But I refrained from answering that, too, until I was sure I was out of my emotional danger zone. Then I very politly e-mailed her and thanked her for checking with her friend for me but that I would pass for now (it was about purchasing something this third party builds). End of story, I hoped.

But now, I think there is some behind-the-scenes chicanery going on and I'm ticked off as hell. BUT, I'm still holding back and trying not to make a mountain out of a molehill, and certainly refraining from involving anyone else. I figure if she's going behind my back to make her case for "innocence" (for lack of a better word), then my lack of doing the same speaks volumes to anyone else involved.

So I'm still dealing internally with all that when I have to break the news to my boss that my surgery originally scheduled for the first of October has been postponed a month, and between the anticipated 6 weeks recovery time off work, followed by the 2 weeks vacation I already had on the calendar, I would be out of the office the last 2 months of November. Believe me -- I did NOT want to do this. But instead of his appreciating my efforts to make sure I had all projects in order and unfinished work transitioned smoothly, his comment to me was, "wow -- you're really leaving me in the lurch."

I told him that the next time I had to take off work for recovery from surgery, I'd try to plan it better.

I feel bad enough that he's getting stuck without help the last part of the year. He does not need to rub it in or try and make me feel guilty, or sorry for him. I couldn't feel any worse than I do already. I could, I suppose, ask the surgeon to put this off until after the first of the year, but how would that make it any better? There is no "good" time for me to take 6 weeks off work, so I might as well get this over with.

Of course, having this schedule puts me in a bind with my daughter, who is pregnant and due December 30th. If my much-anticipated grandprincess does not make her appearance until her due date, I don't see how I could possibly ask for yet another week off work in January to help my daughter adjust to motherhood. And I've waited 30 years to be able to do that!

So naturally, I'm feeling terribly guilty about that, and selfishly praying that little Madeline Grace shows up just a couple of weeks early, so that everyone will be happy.

And then yesterday. Like things aren't bad enough in my head and heart right now, DH had to go meet with the surgeon with me yesterday. Normally, it would not have been a big deal, but he worked a twelve-hour shift the night before and was very tired. So what did he do? Put his A$$hole Hat on and played the part to the hilt -- so much so that I was in tears for much of the day. I'm still upset and sick to my stomach over it, and I'm sure he figures it's no big deal. He did leave me a message apologizing last night, I'll give him that. But WHY did he have to act like such a jerk at all?

Okay. He's very tired. I get that. But in the 14 years we've been together, how many times have I asked him to give up sleep on my behalf? ZERO. NONE. ZIP. NADA. NEVER! And how many times have I sat in a hospital room for him? How many other times have I given up my plans, or inconvenienced myself, for him? Many times. And how many times have I acted like an a$$ and made him feel like dirt? NEVER.

The surgeon specifically requested that my DH come to the appointment with me, so that the doc would feel comfortable that I'll have support at home during my recovery period. I hope Doc was more assured of that support than I am right now.